Hey Love. I have a Question.

Hey love.  I have a question that maybe only you can answer. The question is do you love,  really love me? I thought I knew the answer. In fact most days I really feel as if I do know the answer . But then there are some days that I have a question that only you can answer and that question is  love,   do you really love me?

Here lately I'm beginning to wonder. I have wonderful friendships in my life, I watch them flourish on a daily basis.   So instead of questioning myself, or the friendships I have, I think I should just ask love directly. So, love, do you really love me?

Now I know enough about you to know that you can make me feel as if I'm the most loved person in the world,  you know, like you love me the most. Then again, when you're not around and I can't feel your presence, love, do you really love me?

You know me. I know you know me. You've touched me. You've caressed me. You've held me. You've watch me grow, you've watched me shrink smaller then grow again. You've even failed me. But love, do you really love me?

I'll be waiting love patiently to hear from you. Let me know.  If you Love, really love me. 

Disturbingly Emptying The Tank

I don’t wanna worry bout nothin for a while, I just wanna play around livin’ like a child

With old tunes jammin on my Walkman, and some Sour Patch Kids and a Coke can 

I don’t wanna think about anything at all, I just wanna run around doin what I want

With a pretty ass girl and a slow jam, and some Sour Patch Kids and a Coke can

 – Bryce Vine, hook from Sour Patch Kids

I have to admit, the lyrics to this song rang true for me in so many ways.  I have those days when I wish I could rewind the hands of time.  When someone else was responsible for keeping a shelter over my head, food in my mouth, basically be responsible for me while I take vacation from the reality that I’ve created.  Or walk away from bs that really don’t matter instead of worrying and applying my precious mental time to it.  

Why is it we have that worriation of world matters on us just because we are adults now?  Why can’t we let things go?  Are we afraid the consequences of dropping the ball and walking away are too great for us to handle? Why can’t we just check out? Why are we always fighting for something or for someone? or fighting each other?  Why are we designed this way?

When I was a child, my parents would tell me “one day you’ll wish you were still a child.”  “NOPE, I CAN’T WAIT TO GROW UP AND BE GROWN!” was my response. What the hell was I thinking?  Who said this nonsense was fun, just because I can pretty much do what I want?   

Oh well, it’s time for me to get off the soapbox.  I have to come back to reality.  Be responsible for myself. Be a part of adulthood. This is some bs.     

The Diva is Journaling

Hi lovelies!  It’s Monday, and the Diva is journaling.  Today I’m attempting to empty my brain and myself by doing a mid-year (late mid-year) restart.  I’m doing this with the assistance of Marc & Angel Chernoff,  who are authors, (1000 Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently) bloggers, teachers and professional coaches who were recognized by Forbes as having “one the most popular personal development blogs around.” They have a blog called Marc and Angel Hack Life   and I’m a subscriber of their daily/weekly inspirational advice/ideas that can help jump start and get you over the hump. 

For me, one of the most helpful bits of information they’ve shared is an article called 30 things to start doing for yourself. Usually two or three ideas might jump off the page at some people, but I must admit there were several things on the list that attacked the hell out of me and were absolutely vital in order for somewhat of a transformation to occur in my life.  I keep this beside my bed on my night stand.  I pull it out regularly. 

#24 on the list is start working toward your goals every single day. One of my goals is to turn my home into a total tranquil environment, calm, serene, free from commotion. 

I’m a highly organized person, effortlessly.  Now I’m not the person who finishes everything on time with time to spare, nor am I the person who never misses deadlines, (some of mine have to be extended), however most of the time I can find exactly what I’m looking for.  I live my life in an organized manner, with my work routine as well.  Productivity is important to me.  It’s my mindset.  However, because I’m away from home more during the week that I am home, sometimes my life there needs a little adjusting. It can be something as small as placing a vase of flowers in a particular place to jump start me in the mornings to getting rid of furniture, clothes, or clearing away “hot spots” (you know…those areas that pile up quickly, like mail piles). This weekend I got rid of a huge piece of furniture that was quickly becoming an eye sore, and I rearranged my bedroom.  It feels like life is already flowing freely throughout my space. I’m eager to get home and just be there.  I’m going to be getting into aromatherapy soon to help boost my productivity, and to calm me as well.  

So if you’re feeling stagnant, check out Marc and Angel Hack Life.  Also there are many, many more blogs, activities, apps, books, personal counseling, etc. that can assist in moving you from a to z.

Until next time, Ciao!

What Really Bothering Me

You ever have those days where you feel like you really do understand what was eating Gilbert Grape? I do.  Actually the last several weeks have been plague with concern after concern about my surroundings, this world I live in, my life and wellbeing and that of others too. 

So I’m clear let me put out this disclaimer.   I am not complaining.  I am however very grateful for my life, the spirit I’ve been given, and the time I have here to share.  So please don’t hit me with the “you should be grateful” speech or the “well at least you have this or that” speech.  I am well aware of how blessed I am to have a pulse this morning.

But some things are really bothering me.

Over the last several weeks, several people that I know have gone on to be with the Lord, and one friend’s son went home to be with Jesus.  Seeing the people I care for dealing with grief and the loss of their loved ones make me stop and take stock.  I’m hoping that my prayers though genuine and from my heart help in some small way to bring comfort.  

The A.M. and P.M. news give us plenty to be concerned about; the social injustices, the racial discriminations, U.S. Supreme Court decisions; these tensions tend to wear even the best activist thin on good days. The pot is past brewing, it’s boiling over.

My family is expecting grandchild number 3.  Expected arrival is in about 2 ½ months.  I shudder to think what my grandbabies will have to look forward to by the time they are age 30.  They should be looking at it as a milestone that represents new beginnings.  They should have enjoyed their “extended adolescences” by this time.  But will they? I just don’t know.  

Serious illnesses and disease has stricken a member of my family.  I know because I believe that total victory and complete healing and restoration is coming.  Without a doubt he will be healed, but it happened.  Many can, will and do say that this was a type illness mainly due to a form of self-destruction; however if this is true, it really bothers me because what does the mind of a person who has self-destructive behavior look like?  Does it look like the face of my love one?  No, because I recognize him when I look at him.  He looks the same he always has to me with the exception of the aging process.  So am I absorbed and oblivious to the passage of time, or am I choosing to not see and accept what’s really going on?

So much I tell you.  Is really bothering me.

Public Service Announcement

Cruising social media a few days ago and the instant messenger icon pops up on my screen.  Uuggh.  Who is this? I begrudgingly ask. I often get messages through social media, and I hate receiving messages from the ones who use it as their personal eHarmony dating site.  

It starts the same way every time.  “Hi stranger!  It’s been 20 something years since I last saw you. What’s going on in your life?  I see the pictures you post and you look awesome.” Then, they’ll drop in a memorable line like “I use to have such a huge crush on you.”  Oh boy, here goes.  So I will give a wide berth to that one line and act as if I didn’t see it.  But almost and as if it were in queue, the “how bout we get together” line eloquently spills from within.  I’m not trying to be anti-social, but hey, I DO NOT DATE MARRIED MEN. 

There have been times in my younger years where wisdom seemed to be something maybe obtainable in my older years….far, far away.  Well guess what? far, far away got close really, really quick, and wisdom is something I rely heavily upon now. I’m not that young silly girl who did the crazy stuff anymore.  I’m the grown mature woman who knows what it takes to live a life of happiness and joy…substantial joy.  And so we’re clear, let me say I find it offensive, and not mildly when you make me up in your mind to be side piece material. Remember I’m the one who’s the catch.  You’ve already been caught.  I’m the one who’s single, not you.  

Now I am not bashing men, because I have many, many wonderful male friends and our friendships are strictly platonic. But then there are some… let’s just say their approach is detrimental to the meaning of gentleman. 

And Ladies, we are guilty of this too.  Guilty of overstepping our boundaries and making ourselves think we are superior to the pain we sometimes feel. We can and often do set the tone of our relationships.  We need to understand it is not acceptable for married people to date outside of their marriage.    

There are a lot of things we wear for people to see. The latest in styles and fashions adorn us every day.  We need to start wearing our standards like we would the latest pair of Nike Black Air Jordan 6 Retros or Christian Louboutin luxury French red bottoms.  

The Public service announcement is this: respect others and ourselves.  This is a lesson that if we have to learn the hard way, it will not feel good.  Take it from somebody who knows.  I am not just sitting on my soapbox spewing lines for a blog.  I’ve lived this life.  It’s the same road traveled by many with the same destination: doom failure, misery and guilt.  Don’t know about you, but I’d rather walk it out.  Think it out.  Live it out.  Be better.  Do better.  Have better. 

-Peace. 

Age A'int Nothing But.....

Age appears to be best in four things; old wood best to burn, old wine to drink, old friends to trust, and old authors to read. - Francis Bacon

Aging can be very stressful in the world today, especially if you have health problems, or other factors that may cause you to worry about becoming older.  I don't stress about it at all.  I turned 49 this year.  There are some things I'm still working hard to improve on, weight management being one of them, but overall, with the gray starting to come in and all I'm loving it.  

I took up running at 46.  First time ever in my life that I ran more than a minute straight...I'm not kidding.  I worked to get up to running five miles nonstop, and the first ailment I had from running was patellofemoral pain syndrome or runners knee.  My knee hurt for days, and I thought oh my goodness, I've waited too long, I've gotten too old to start this. Then worry set in.  Then I remembered I come from a long line of strong women.  My grandmother gave birth to my mother at the age of 46!, and on top of that, my grandfather was almost 20 years older than my grandmother when my mother was born.  My Aunt, my mother's sister was 70 years old when she got her drivers license.  They lived long lives, and they got along just fine adapting to a changing world.  Once that reality hit me of who I am and where I come from, I kicked worrying's ass out the door.  

I'm having the time of my life; I plan on sliding into 50 like MLB players slide into home, So don't try and block me or obstruct my way because if anything stands in my way, there is going to be a collision at home plate.

BOOM! take that worriation.

I'm A Priority

I’m taking steps to start making me and my happiness a priority. Over the last several weeks I’ve watched people in my life succumb to horrid situations because of desperation, fear and their insecurities.  My needs do matter.  

I’m being proactive in the unfolding of me. Warning! I’ve placed a higher value on myself, I’m taking better care of myself, and I’m sticking up for myself. I’m not going to diminish the light that shines within me anymore. If it’s too bright for you, don’t strain your eyes, take your shades and go get a glimpse of someone else’s rays.  Don’t hate on me because your UV protection is at risk of overexposure to my greatness.

It is possible to care for others AFTER I first care for myself; and If you don’t like that I put myself first and you second, then move out of line and see how happy the person who is third in line will be to know they are next in line for some of my time.

I’m going to help myself; then I will likely be far more capable of helping those who need me most.