Transformation

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”  ― Steve Jobs

 I have this quote from the American Inventor Steven Paul Jobs on my desk.  Today I saw it; it's been there for five years, in the same spot, but today I saw it.  I read it, and it finally hit home.  I've wasted much of my time in 2016, I dare not repeat this same damaging mentality in 2017.  Even though other's opinions matter little to me, they've still had an impact on my thinking.  

When my children were babes, and trying to navigate the world according to their little version of it, I would say to them "watch your surroundings."  I find myself telling my grandchildren now to "watch your surroundings."  Shame on me that I've somehow given this advice to them for all these years, and I haven't taken it myself.  Enough is enough; I'm now watching my surroundings, which sadly includes watching who I allow to grace me with their presence.  I'm closing the doors now of others perceptions, reactions, intentions, etc. 

I'm responsible to myself for myself now.  Adrienne Rich once said “responsibility to yourself means refusing to let others do your thinking, talking, and naming for you; it means learning to respect and use your own brains and instincts; hence, grappling with hard work.”   By nature, I have an introverted temperament.  I want alone time, I need alone time. When I say "we're done here, we're done here. And I can do this all day every day. Now that I'm older, I have come into who I am, and Whose I am, I love me for me and I don't apologize for it.  I have no tolerance for BS. None. 

Remember the advertising slogan "Think Different"?  Well it has become plainly clear to me, that it's time I start to do so.  Think differently so I can transform my life.    

Raising My Own Awareness

I am going to stop entertaining your dumb shit.  All its doing is creating complete disorder and confusion, resulting in more loss of my peace.  I’m going to stop being stuck on whatever the hell kind of stupidity you’re attempting to release into the realm of calm and gratitude I’ve chosen to be a part of.  

Get the hell out.  You don’t belong here.  You can’t even mentally afford a membership. You’re not stable. You’re prone to change, fail or give away at any minute.  You’re rocky, wobbly, and volatile, you’re playing it close to the line of being deranged, demented, unhinged, and mentally disturbed. 

I swear I keep ignoring the signs. I see you coming a mile away. See because even though you believe you’re tiptoeing with all the drama you bring, it’s quite the contrary. You noisy as hell. You’re a vampire, just waiting in the dark to suck the life out people, and leave them for dead.  Cause you’re dead.  Sure you’re walking around breathing, but you’re dead.  You’re no longer alive mentally. You’re cruel, unfeeling, uncaring, cold, lifeless and miserable. That’s not the sad part; the sad part is you don’t even realize it.  You just keep waiting for somebody, anybody, to make you come alive again just by walking along side you in your foolishness.  Somebody to okay your unacceptable behavior.  

Oh did I mention the foot soldiers that started your journey with you are growing increasingly tired and noncommittal?  Why?  Because like others before them, who were once advocates of your crap, they too are growing weary from the lack of love and support you are now showing them.  They’re almost crawling on all fours from the stench of your attitude.  You see because you are the head, the body that is following you in your mess is decaying, and there’s nothing you care to do about it.  Your cheerleading squad is slowly dying off.  Their moves are weak.  Their two-legged stunts, and high flying basket tosses have turned into a mere pitter-patter. Your mask has come off, and you bout an ugly MOFO.

So where does that leave a fool like me? I now again have to press restart on my odometer.  I have to push pause and realize that God does not give me my peace to lose it to foolishness. Now I have to go backwards and gather myself so I can move forward.  I fell short.  I digressed a little from His original plan. I’m grateful He didn’t allow me to drift very far from where He started me.  So in no time, I’ll be back up. I will ascend, and once again mount up and rise to the occasion. This is my Public Service Announcement. This is my message. This is me raising my own awareness.      

A Love Letter from a Diva's Journal

Love Letter #5

Hello.  It’s me.  I hope this letter from my journal finds you doing exceedingly well.  I felt a strange feeling this morning; at first I didn’t understand, but then it all made sense.  I’m thinking of you.  It amazes me that still I can hardly find words to describe how much I miss you.  My heart doesn’t ache like it used to, but there are subtle longings for the closeness we shared.  

A lot has changed in my world.  There have been some exciting additions, and some” long time coming” ends to several relationships, a major exodus. Oh I’m fine.  I’m really good, because in spite of the ending of some unhealthy yolks, there is still room for love in my heart, and that’s a good thing.  

You know what I finally did?  I let go of my past.  For good.  I have confined within the depths of my heart to never allow the baggage that has tied me down for so long to consume me ever again.  I feel alive.  I can breathe.  I feel my heart beating freely.  I think I’m entering into the abyss of happiness, where I hope to forever reside.   I’ve been hurled into the sunlight, and the warmth from carrying around what you taught me about love has forever changed me. I’m indebted to you.  There’s no one in the world like you.  The mold was truly broken, and I’m happy to say, I was blessed to have loved you. You’re a special creation.

Extreme joy is cast upon me every time I think of you.  And I wanted you to know this. I loved you like I’ve never loved before.  I love you dearly.  I’ll love you for eternity.

Loving you still.

-TJD

Hey Love. I have a Question.

Hey love.  I have a question that maybe only you can answer. The question is do you love,  really love me? I thought I knew the answer. In fact most days I really feel as if I do know the answer . But then there are some days that I have a question that only you can answer and that question is  love,   do you really love me?

Here lately I'm beginning to wonder. I have wonderful friendships in my life, I watch them flourish on a daily basis.   So instead of questioning myself, or the friendships I have, I think I should just ask love directly. So, love, do you really love me?

Now I know enough about you to know that you can make me feel as if I'm the most loved person in the world,  you know, like you love me the most. Then again, when you're not around and I can't feel your presence, love, do you really love me?

You know me. I know you know me. You've touched me. You've caressed me. You've held me. You've watch me grow, you've watched me shrink smaller then grow again. You've even failed me. But love, do you really love me?

I'll be waiting love patiently to hear from you. Let me know.  If you Love, really love me. 

Disturbingly Emptying The Tank

I don’t wanna worry bout nothin for a while, I just wanna play around livin’ like a child

With old tunes jammin on my Walkman, and some Sour Patch Kids and a Coke can 

I don’t wanna think about anything at all, I just wanna run around doin what I want

With a pretty ass girl and a slow jam, and some Sour Patch Kids and a Coke can

 – Bryce Vine, hook from Sour Patch Kids

I have to admit, the lyrics to this song rang true for me in so many ways.  I have those days when I wish I could rewind the hands of time.  When someone else was responsible for keeping a shelter over my head, food in my mouth, basically be responsible for me while I take vacation from the reality that I’ve created.  Or walk away from bs that really don’t matter instead of worrying and applying my precious mental time to it.  

Why is it we have that worriation of world matters on us just because we are adults now?  Why can’t we let things go?  Are we afraid the consequences of dropping the ball and walking away are too great for us to handle? Why can’t we just check out? Why are we always fighting for something or for someone? or fighting each other?  Why are we designed this way?

When I was a child, my parents would tell me “one day you’ll wish you were still a child.”  “NOPE, I CAN’T WAIT TO GROW UP AND BE GROWN!” was my response. What the hell was I thinking?  Who said this nonsense was fun, just because I can pretty much do what I want?   

Oh well, it’s time for me to get off the soapbox.  I have to come back to reality.  Be responsible for myself. Be a part of adulthood. This is some bs.     

The Diva is Journaling

Hi lovelies!  It’s Monday, and the Diva is journaling.  Today I’m attempting to empty my brain and myself by doing a mid-year (late mid-year) restart.  I’m doing this with the assistance of Marc & Angel Chernoff,  who are authors, (1000 Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently) bloggers, teachers and professional coaches who were recognized by Forbes as having “one the most popular personal development blogs around.” They have a blog called Marc and Angel Hack Life   and I’m a subscriber of their daily/weekly inspirational advice/ideas that can help jump start and get you over the hump. 

For me, one of the most helpful bits of information they’ve shared is an article called 30 things to start doing for yourself. Usually two or three ideas might jump off the page at some people, but I must admit there were several things on the list that attacked the hell out of me and were absolutely vital in order for somewhat of a transformation to occur in my life.  I keep this beside my bed on my night stand.  I pull it out regularly. 

#24 on the list is start working toward your goals every single day. One of my goals is to turn my home into a total tranquil environment, calm, serene, free from commotion. 

I’m a highly organized person, effortlessly.  Now I’m not the person who finishes everything on time with time to spare, nor am I the person who never misses deadlines, (some of mine have to be extended), however most of the time I can find exactly what I’m looking for.  I live my life in an organized manner, with my work routine as well.  Productivity is important to me.  It’s my mindset.  However, because I’m away from home more during the week that I am home, sometimes my life there needs a little adjusting. It can be something as small as placing a vase of flowers in a particular place to jump start me in the mornings to getting rid of furniture, clothes, or clearing away “hot spots” (you know…those areas that pile up quickly, like mail piles). This weekend I got rid of a huge piece of furniture that was quickly becoming an eye sore, and I rearranged my bedroom.  It feels like life is already flowing freely throughout my space. I’m eager to get home and just be there.  I’m going to be getting into aromatherapy soon to help boost my productivity, and to calm me as well.  

So if you’re feeling stagnant, check out Marc and Angel Hack Life.  Also there are many, many more blogs, activities, apps, books, personal counseling, etc. that can assist in moving you from a to z.

Until next time, Ciao!

What Really Bothering Me

You ever have those days where you feel like you really do understand what was eating Gilbert Grape? I do.  Actually the last several weeks have been plague with concern after concern about my surroundings, this world I live in, my life and wellbeing and that of others too. 

So I’m clear let me put out this disclaimer.   I am not complaining.  I am however very grateful for my life, the spirit I’ve been given, and the time I have here to share.  So please don’t hit me with the “you should be grateful” speech or the “well at least you have this or that” speech.  I am well aware of how blessed I am to have a pulse this morning.

But some things are really bothering me.

Over the last several weeks, several people that I know have gone on to be with the Lord, and one friend’s son went home to be with Jesus.  Seeing the people I care for dealing with grief and the loss of their loved ones make me stop and take stock.  I’m hoping that my prayers though genuine and from my heart help in some small way to bring comfort.  

The A.M. and P.M. news give us plenty to be concerned about; the social injustices, the racial discriminations, U.S. Supreme Court decisions; these tensions tend to wear even the best activist thin on good days. The pot is past brewing, it’s boiling over.

My family is expecting grandchild number 3.  Expected arrival is in about 2 ½ months.  I shudder to think what my grandbabies will have to look forward to by the time they are age 30.  They should be looking at it as a milestone that represents new beginnings.  They should have enjoyed their “extended adolescences” by this time.  But will they? I just don’t know.  

Serious illnesses and disease has stricken a member of my family.  I know because I believe that total victory and complete healing and restoration is coming.  Without a doubt he will be healed, but it happened.  Many can, will and do say that this was a type illness mainly due to a form of self-destruction; however if this is true, it really bothers me because what does the mind of a person who has self-destructive behavior look like?  Does it look like the face of my love one?  No, because I recognize him when I look at him.  He looks the same he always has to me with the exception of the aging process.  So am I absorbed and oblivious to the passage of time, or am I choosing to not see and accept what’s really going on?

So much I tell you.  Is really bothering me.